Sunday, January 16, 2011

All 30 Major League Teams Totally Stink

All thirty teams in baseball are completely lame.  Why do I say that?  Well, when I take the opinions of the fans of those teams into account, that is simply an easy conclusion.  Starting with the obvious cases, the Pirates were going to the World Series, and one pitch to a nobody named Francisco Cabrera took the Series away from them, Barry Bonds became a free agent, and the team plunged immediately into a record 18 consecutive losing season streak.  The Nationals suck, too.

Now, there are some other teams that are obvious, but then there are the teams that actually had some promise.  The Mariners come to mind.  Division contenders flailed, losing over 100 games.  The Tigers had the greatest team to do nothing at all.  The Mets have the worst payroll-to-performance ratio in baseball.  The Brew Crew were supposed to make the playoffs.  Supposed to.  The Angels vaporized.  The mighty Red Sox limped to a third place finish.  The Padres, arguably the best team in baseball for 137 games, lost ten in a row and collapsed under the feet of the team they owned all year long.  They even took two of three in the last series and still lost to the Giants.

Even the playoff teams were lousy.  The Twinks folded under pressure of a Bronx curse.  The Reds' bats never left Louisville.  The Yankees had the greatest lineup in history, but their pitching was a lead balloon.  CC and Mariano were awesome bookends to a lousy pitching library, and they got spanked by Ranger bats.  During the NLCS I surfed many a Phillie Phan blog.  It was amazing to learn just how awful the Phillies were.  Jimmy Rollins was AWOL, Utley was a mere shadow of his former MVP self.  Howard had a hole in his bat, and the offense was anemic.  How such a pathetic group of clowns managed to compile the best record in baseball on their way to what was hoped to be their third consecutive World Series is hard to imagine.  And dammit, why did they not sign Cliff Lee again earlier?

Then there's the Giants, stuck in their wet paper bag.  No offense whatsoever, and what little there was was led by the slowest catcher in history.  The richest pitcher in history was not even on the playoff roster, and the five slot in the rotation was a question all year.  They couldn't hit against anybody, and their 56 year drought was going to be 57 real quick.  The GM's of each of these teams are morons and idiots.  So are their field managers.  It was amazing to see any of these teams win anything at all.  They were all lame according to their own fans.  But what a year they gave us.

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